Lately I’ve been feeling anxious. I’m stuck in a cloud of uncertainty. As of right now I am not certain what my next phase in life will be. I’ve learned that even the simplest things in life can be hard to achieve. I’ve been through so many uncertain, unfortunate circumstances I just feel like it is time to move on. I’m ready for a fresh start. I think it is about time I turn my dreams into reality. Moving to another country has been my heart’s desire for as long as I could remember. I suppose when I was younger I didn’t have the courage to do everything I possibly could to make it happen. Although I had the interest in moving away for school a few years ago I am not disappointed at all how life turned out. But I don’t want to wait any longer to have the experiences I’ve always dreamed of.
The waiting is game is something I hate to play. Whatever the case may be, we all have to wait. It’s like waiting at a bar for your drink, it is right in front of you and it seems so easy for everyone else to get what they want but you’re still waiting. It certainly is tough growing up in the generation of instant gratification. We are bound to the ideals that show us how glamorous life could be at such a young age. I try to stay humble and build my skills so that they will take me to where I want to be.
I am finding it hard to part with the guilty feelings. I feel a sense of responsibility to my family but ultimately the greatest responsibility I have in life is to myself and my happiness. Parents and people around me try to project their idea of happiness and an ideal life onto me. What they feel is best for me, even though I have voiced my desires to the best of my abilities, people will still try to instil doubt and fear into my mind. I think to myself that it's such a shame. I wonder if it is because they really want the best for me or if it is because they live their lives afraid to take risks. I suppose its a combination of the two.
As the time approaches where the possibility of moving to Trinidad draws nearer, I find myself looking around and realizing that Toronto is incredibly breathtaking city to live in. It is not that I didn’t know that before. I love my city I always have. I am having second thoughts because I am so used to living here. It is a blessing and a curse, when people get comfortable they aren’t inspired anymore. I think more than anything this will be a test of character, an opportunity to strengthen my spirit. I will learn how to depend on myself and to trust myself.
Through the series of events that strung together the past few months I have felt a new depth of sadness, disappointment and fear that I couldn’t imagine was possible. I felt like I had a constant heartburn in my chest, suffocating me making it hard to breathe. I spent a lot of time in the mirror even though it was hard to look at myself. I hated this person that I became, I felt like life had drained all of the confidence out of me.
My life snowballed into a huge mess and the confidence that took me so many years to build was gone. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t eat or sleep. My senses were dulled and my appetite for life just wasn’t there. I tried all of the things that I thought brought me happiness but nothing worked. This time something was wrong. I’ve never been so far out into the deep end that I didn’t know how to come back to myself. The pain I have felt in my short lifetime has made me a compassionate person. If you've never had your soul crushed then maybe you should because then you would think twice about the way you treat others. When everything in life goes wrong at the same time it can be hard to bounce back.
A friend once told me “don’t make everything about yourself, think about all of the people that have real obstacles keeping them from the things they want in life”. It is so easy to pick myself apart and think of all of the things that I am lacking. What is holding me back is certainly in my head. I have survived all of the spirit crushing tragedies, broken promises, crocodile tears and fake smiles so far. I feel like I am over the uphill battle that I have been fighting for the past year. I am on the path to freeing myself from this ego that holds me back from achieving bliss.
I have always thought of my birthday how many people think of their New Year's day. A time for reflection; what have I done with the past year and what will I do for the following year. I don't have any regrets regarding the decisions I have made and the risks I have taken. Through the hard times I was was told to "know my worth". My time, my love and my energy is precious and I will only seek to shower those who will cheer for me.
As I have grown I have learned that happiness is a habit. The bitter taste of life has made me appreciate the small things. When my father peels me an orange because I'm too lazy to do it myself. When my mom holds onto my arm as we walk. When my brother sings obnoxiously and dances awkwardly to roots reggae music. I am happy. When my father asks me to teach him how to use apps. When my mom needs me to reach something on the top shelf. When my brother asks me to scratch his back. Whether big or small, I am happy to do the things that my family asks of me. If it is in my power, I will do it for my family I don't care about pettiness anymore. I will take all of the negative experiences in stride and begin to heal myself because life is very long and I have to take care of my spirit as well as my mind and body. Life is not easy and I will never take anything for granted. Everything can be over in a blink of an eye. When a persons life is at stake what you value becomes very clear to you.
I would like to thank all of my guardian angels who have been there for me during hard times. I will forever be grateful for your deepest affections and concern. I take all of the words of wisdom into consideration as I continue to carve myself into my ideal being. Thank you for listening to me complain about life even though I might be hard-headed at times. Thank you for treating me like I am special and showing me that I have value despite the people that let go of me. Thank you for encouraging me to keep pursuing my dreams. Thank you for telling me not to give up. Thank you for not telling me what I want to hear and constantly challenging me in order to further my growth.
Life is the greatest blessing, I have many things to be thankful for and many years left to discover myself.