Lately I’ve been feeling anxious. I’m stuck in a cloud of uncertainty. As of right now I am not certain what my next phase in life will be. I’ve learned that even the simplest things in life can be hard to achieve. I’ve been through so many uncertain, unfortunate circumstances I just feel like it is time to move on. I’m ready for a fresh start. I think it is about time I turn my dreams into reality. Moving to another country has been my heart’s desire for as long as I could remember. I suppose when I was younger I didn’t have the courage to do everything I possibly could to make it happen. Although I had the interest in moving away for school a few years ago I am not disappointed at all how life turned out. But I don’t want to wait any longer to have the experiences I’ve always dreamed of.
The waiting is game is something I hate to play. Whatever the case may be, we all have to wait. It’s like waiting at a bar for your drink, it is right in front of you and it seems so easy for everyone else to get what they want but you’re still waiting. It certainly is tough growing up in the generation of instant gratification. We are bound to the ideals that show us how glamorous life could be at such a young age. I try to stay humble and build my skills so that they will take me to where I want to be.
I am finding it hard to part with the guilty feelings. I feel a sense of responsibility to my family but ultimately the greatest responsibility I have in life is to myself and my happiness. Parents and people around me try to project their idea of happiness and an ideal life onto me. What they feel is best for me, even though I have voiced my desires to the best of my abilities, people will still try to instil doubt and fear into my mind. I think to myself that it's such a shame. I wonder if it is because they really want the best for me or if it is because they live their lives afraid to take risks. I suppose its a combination of the two.
As the time approaches where the possibility of moving to Trinidad draws nearer, I find myself looking around and realizing that Toronto is incredibly breathtaking city to live in. It is not that I didn’t know that before. I love my city I always have. I am having second thoughts because I am so used to living here. It is a blessing and a curse, when people get comfortable they aren’t inspired anymore. I think more than anything this will be a test of character, an opportunity to strengthen my spirit. I will learn how to depend on myself and to trust myself.